Through the conditioning of our lives growing up, we develop behaviours and beliefs.
These come from our parents, our family, our friends, our environment, our nutrition, every moment and experience has made us who we are today. But what if these beliefs and behavioural patterns don’t reflect our true essence? The spirit we are underneath all of these layers.
The truth is, this is usually the case. Which is why it’s so difficult to figure out who we really are. Which then makes it tricky to realise our dharma, the reason we’re on this earth, our purpose.
Getting to the point of self realisation is hard work — it takes practice and dedication and we have to be prepared to experience a lot of emotion as past events and feelings come up.
Anything that comes up, you need to work through and feel fully. Don’t shy away from the feeling — breathe into it, acknowledge it, forgive and let go.
So how can we grow? How can we live up to our potential and realise our highest being? I’ve been studying and practising some techniques that I wanted to share with you.
1. Flexible Mindset
Are you feeling our of balance with your values and spending too much time on things that don’t matter as an act of distraction? Some times we catch ourselves doing things we later regret, or doing things that don’t align with our own core values or the person we want to be.
When we do this, we beat ourselves up and feel shame. This mindset can severely knock you off track. You can end up in a state of resentment towards yourself, instead of in a state of gratitude. Remember we are all human and this happens, slip ups happen. Be kind to yourself and have compassion.
If you acknowledge the mistake or contradicting behaviour to your values, then accept it and know that it was just a minor period, you can then focus on getting back on track. An easy example of this, is missing a couple of days at the gym or eating badly for a couple of days then thinking to yourself, oh well I’ve done it now, I may as well carry on and not bother. We then make this behaviour a part of us and accept that this is who we are now.
Whereas, if you practice having a flexible mindset, knowing that these things happen and hold space for the slip ups, you become a lot more aware of your behaviour patterns and you can have confidence that if you fall down, you’re going to get straight back up again.
Stop torturing yourself, we need this mindset to grow.
Towards - Actions that move us closer.
Get clear on the life you want to create for yourself and make a list of the actions that will move you towards this goal. Think about what you’re doing in your down time — are you enriching this life? Are you building knowledge? Are you feeding your higher self?
Away - Distractions. What are you doing to distract yourself?
Either from your feelings or emotions, boredom, or loneliness. Are you watching too much tv or spending too much time on your phone? Figure out what you’re trying to distract yourself from then start working on healing from it.
Another form of distraction is shopping - Do you find yourself spending money on things you don’t need as a distraction? I do this sometimes. I go hammmm on online shopping, I’m working on it lol.
Which distractions can you replace with actions?
That question is, is this moving me towards or away from my goals or life that I want to create? Just stopping for a moment to ask yourself this question is such a powerful way to create positive habits.
A lot of the things we do, we do subconsciously without thinking. For instance, if you’re used to eating a bar of chocolate in the afternoon or having a cigarette first thing in the morning, this is a habit you’ve created. You do it without thinking because you’re so used to it.
If you now stop and ask yourself this question, you become conscious. This is how we start to erase bad habits, by being aware.
T - Take a mindful breath
O - Open up or observe
P - Progress to a life area
4. Are your life areas balanced?
Write a list of your main life areas, for example:
Family
Intimate Relationships
Parenting
Friendships/Social Life
Leisure and Fun
Wellbeing
Work and Career
Education, Training, Personal Growth
Spirituality
Community Living
Once you’ve done that, write down your life energy that you’re putting into them at the moment. Either, Just right, too much or not enough.
Be totally honest with yourself here. Just writing this down and confronting yourself with the truth on paper helps to get you focussing on what’s really important to you and where your energy is going.
Once you’ve identified where you’re putting too much energy and where you’re not putting in enough, you can now list actions that will move you towards your goals and actions that will move you away from the negative — what do you need to let go of? What doesn’t serve you?
Is there anything in your life that you have been neglecting or that you would like to do more of? What things would you like to do that feel out of your comfort zone?
Remember, we always have the choice to move towards or away from the life of our dreams.
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lives our growth and our freedom.”
Victor Frankl.
During the day, start to check in with your thoughts and feelings and recognise their intensity.
What are your internal barriers?
Why have you been triggered?
Are your stress levels high?
Has someone or something triggered you?
Is it a recurring feeing?
Our body and thoughts are made to protect us, physically.
We are animals, so when we feel threatened our body and mind go into fight or flight. It thinks of the worst scenario and behaves the same as if our lives were in danger.
The issue is, it is very rare that our lives are in danger, yet our body and mind works in the same way as if it was. This is why we experience fear and anxiety. Getting to the root cause of these feelings that come up in the day is a step closer to healing and a clear mind.
What are you doing in the short term as a quick fix from these feelings that holds you back in your life?
Acknowledge your internal barriers and then do the work to overcome these.
Remember, if it feels hard to say, this is where real growth happens.
6. Expansion and Contraction
We need to stop clinging onto our feelings and stop trying so hard to change them. Giving the feelings space, allows them to freely pass through us. Stop holding onto your past thoughts and fears, stay in the present and just watch your feelings as they arise, then let go.
When we feel something, we contract and hold onto this feeling until we find a distraction. If we work on expansion and allow these feelings to come and go, we change the relationship with the feeling. Breathe into it. Once you relax into your feelings and emotions you create space for it without any unnecessary contraction or resistance.
These feelings don’t always have to be the negative ones, we also hold onto positive emotions, in a state of fear that they might leave us. We cling tightly to this feeling — doing this can create the same issues in our lives as clinging to a negative emotion. All emotions need the space to move freely, not just the negative. This is how we stay fully present in the now.
Be more expanded: Open - Grounded - Receptive - Relaxed - Kinder - Willing to connect - Give more
Expanding from the inside:
How is it making you feel? Is there some contraction happening inside? Where? What does it feel like?
Now start to breathe deeply and imagine breathing into this space that you feel the tension. As you do, your breath starts to surround this feeling. As you keep breathing, you start to make more and more space for it. Notice if the emotion is now starting to release. Notice how you’re feeling now. If the feeling was a shape, what shape would it be?
Form your breath around this shape.
Expanding from the Outside:
Now find your own workable approach. What method helps you soften to the external?
Practice this method every time you feel a contraction start to build inside you. Your moments of relaxation will start to lengthen and you will increasingly be able to handle situations better.
Ask yourself, is my contraction costing me meaningful connections in my life areas?
If our thoughts lie in the past or future, we lose out on being in the present.
Why do some people have trouble with their thoughts and others not so much?
- They believe their thoughts
- They try to push them away or get rid of them — this causes them to be more prevalent
In order to remove their power, we need to Un-hook from them and make space for them. Explore the why, get into the functions of the mind, why does it do this? What am I holding onto?
What outcome am I holding on to for the future?
All we have is this moment — the past doesn’t exist anymore and the future isn’t certain.Learn the tools to Un-hook from your mind and your thoughts.
The mind is a great ‘don’t get killed’ device and a great problem finding device.
The main purpose of our mind has always been to keep us safe. Our minds were developed to protect us. Our ancestors needed the mind to keep them safe in certain situations.
Nowadays, things have evolved dramatically and rapidly, but our thought patterns have stayed the same — fight or flight.
We need to work on adapting our mind to our current world, training ourselves to acknowledge the situations that require our mental energy and the situations that don’t.
Think of a negative thought that you struggle with, everyone has one.
Write it down
‘I’m noticing the thought that’
Do you feel you and your thought are separating from each other?
Is this thought helpful?
Is this moving me towards my life areas? Is it worth investing energy into? It may be true, but is it helpful?
8. Recall and Review ritual
The easiest way to create a new healthy habit, is to create a ritual.
What is it you want to do?
Review how you’re doing
Which life areas do you want to be working on?
Decide each morning when you wake up, Which life areas need nurturing today?
Step 1: Take time to recall 3 things that you are grateful for. Our mind and body are in harmony when we experience gratitude
Step 2: What kind of personal qualities do I want to demonstrate today?
Review - Just before you go to sleep
Step 1: Think of 3 things that went well that day
Step 2: Review what it was that you chose that morning. Have I been aligned with these life areas today?
You are now choosing your self growth.
You are more likely to do what you have planned if you wrote it down first
3 phases we experience:
Focus - Focussing your attention, gently and on purpose
Distraction - We then get distracted from our focus
Notice - We notice that we have become distracted
Each time you focus on your point of connection, you are building your concentration.
Each time you focus on your point of connection and allow everything else to come and go, you are increasing your capacity to enhance meaningful connection in the present moment.
Each time you focus on your point of connection, you are sharpening the skill of Un hooking from unnecessary thoughts
Each time you gently return your focus, you are exercising and strengthening your ability to be resilient to urges that try to pull you away from what you’re doing.
Each time you notice when you get distracted, you are gaining more insight into your minds thinking patterns.
Each time you gently return your focus, you are exercising and strengthening the learning template within your brain for being compassionate.
10. Meditation
I hope you have found these tools helpful - I would love to hear your feedback if any of these practices have enriched your life and have got you firmly on the road to self growth.
Love & Light,
Em J
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