Have you ever felt like they don’t understand you and they aren’t cooperating in the relationship as you’d like? Or maybe you’ve been at the receiving end of it, and have had your partner say things to you like; “do you even care about me?” or, “do you even love me?” when in reality you love them so much and are constantly reassuring them of this!
I’ve been in both situations and it’s so frustrating! Something has come to light, which I have been learning about recently and I want to share with you. The truth is, we all have different love languages.
I’ve realised mine is quality time closely followed by physical touch.
Words aren’t enough, you need to show me.
Of course we all love hearing nice things and if you’re in love with each other, I feel it’s important to say it everyday, at least once! But the thing is, this isn’t how I primarily express my love. I express love through my actions. I express it through touch and time. Me choosing to invest my time in you is love.
I’m a very tactile person and I’ve realised it’s so important to me to have that touch and closeness with my partner. But I need balance - I’m very independent and I need my space — after all, too much of a good thing isn’t always a good thing.
If I feel like my partner isn’t spending quality time with me, or the physical touch isn’t there, I lose the connection. I feel even just 5 minutes of good quality moments together is more powerful than hours of distracted time.
I’ve been there. My partners love language was words - If I didn’t compliment him enough or give him enough words of affirmation, he doubted my love. I couldn’t understand it! We ended up in a long distance relationship for a while and I was flying to see him when I could — so to me I was thinking; doesn’t this prove my love?!? The distance was hard for me, I needed that closeness; a hug when I needed one, kisses, sex! I started to resent the relationship. I would think things like, I’m in a relationship where we see each other once every couple of months, what’s the point? I wasn’t satisfied and the more I tried to hold on to it, the more I resented it.
Long distance relationships are hard enough, let alone if your primary love language is quality time!
Which is your primary Love Language? I’ve outlined the five of them below to give you more of an understanding. Determine which one you are, then you will know how you work in a relationship. Then, determine which one your partner is, this will keep their love tank full.
In order to make a relationship healthy and last, we must understand our partners love language and communicate in this way as well as our own. It’s not easy but it’s worth it. Learning a new Love Language is like learning a new foreign language. Our Love Language is so engrained in us that we struggle to open our minds to a different one. But this is imperative to a healthy relationship. We need to recognise how our partner feels and expresses love and ensure we are communicating in this way and vice versa.
How about we try and integrate all of them in our relationships? Mmmmm, now you’re talking.
LOVE LANGUAGE #1
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
Verbal compliments and words of appreciation are powerful communications of love. Not just to each other, but when you’re away from each other too. Speaking words of love about your partner to others is just as powerful. After all, they usually get back to your partner in the end. How wonderful to know that your loved one is saying beautiful things about you to other people.
Encouragement is another form of love words. Building your lover up and encouraging them to go for what they dream and achieve their goals is so important. If you read my post about the Four Agreements, you will know that our word is power. It can destroy something if used in the wrong way, so kind words are so important in relationships — be impeccable with your word, always.
Lastly, when using your words, ensure they are humble. Speak your truth, communicate. My God, please communicate! Communication is crucial for healthy relationships. Don’t just say nice things for the hell of it. If you don’t mean it, don’t say it.
LOVE LANGUAGE #2
QUALITY TIME
For those of us who’s Love Language isn’t quality time, we think just being in the presence of each other is enough. But, the one who’s love language is quality time, is trying to have a conversation with you, mean time you’re looking at your phone. You’re not engaged or present and your partner gets frustrated. You don’t understand why — isn’t being with each other enough?
Quality time, is giving the other your undivided attention. It’s looking into each others eyes, focussing on the other and listening to each other, without distraction. One hour of real quality time, is so much more powerful than an entire day of just time.
You can usually tell who’s dating and who’s married in a restaurant, can’t you? The daters are fixated on each other. Their faces are close and their eyes are fixed. The Married couple are gazing around the restaurant, silent, almost unaware of their spouse’s presence. This is because the married couple have lost their sense of quality time. We need to work to keep this alive.
Communication comes in here too. Talking and listening to one another, fully engaged is crucial. Have you ever been dating someone for a while and realised you don’t really know anything about them? That’s either because you weren’t fully listening or they’re not communicating this to you. Sharing our experiences and talking openly is power. We must learn to talk, as well as listen.
GIFT GIVING
If your partners love language is visual — remember this doesn’t have to be expensive. You can make things, pick up a flower on a walk, or cook for them. If they are only satisfied by the expensive gifts, this may be a sign that you need to leave! Lol.
Visual symbols of love are more important to some than others, think about wedding rings. Some of us never take our ring off after the wedding. Others never wear a wedding band. This doesn’t mean one loves more than the other, it’s simply because visual symbols of love just aren’t as important to some people. This is something you need to communicate with each other beforehand — you don’t want your new spouse getting the wrong idea!!
The gift of presence. Being there for your loved one at important times can be more powerful than any material gift. It’s the gift of you, the gift of support and the gift of love. Have you ever been through a bad or even a good experience and your partner wasn’t there when you needed them? This can cause major upset and also cause you to doubt their love. We need to recognise what’s important to the other and ensure we are making the effort to be there in the times of need.
LOVE LANGUAGE #4
ACTS OF SERVICE
Have you ever returned home from work and the house is a mess and you flip at your partner for not doing anything? You say things like, well I’m at work all day shouldn’t the house be clean, the washing be done and my dinner be on the table when I get home?
Relationships should be a partnership where we both contribute. Expecting your partner to do all of those things isn’t fair — you end up treating them like a child, ordering them to do certain chores. Is that going to make your partner want to contribute? Probably not.
Whereas, if you both contribute equally, you feel yourself wanting to do things to help. You're building together and growing together. This is a 50/50 partnership. Think of it like having a business partner, shouldn’t the work be 50/50?
Try sitting down together and making a list of 5 things you’d like the other to do, and asking if you’re both happy about the choices?
Excerpt from The 5 Languages of Love by Gary Chapman
Doormat or Lover?
When we treat our partners as objects, we preclude the possibility of love. Manipulation by guilt (“If you were a good partner, you would do this for me”) is not the language of love. Coercion by fear (“You will do this or you will be sorry”) is alien to love. No person should ever be a doormat. We may allow ourselves to be used, but we are in fact creatures of emotion, thoughts and desires. And we have the ability to make decisions and take action. Allowing oneself to be used or manipulated by another is not an act of love. It is, in fact, an act of treason. You are allowing him or her to develop inhumane habits. Love says, “I love you too much to let you treat me this way. It is not good for you or me.”
PHYSICAL TOUCH
The body is for touching. Unlike any other sense, touch isn’t localised to only one area of the body. We have touch sensitive particles on every inch of our bodies. How we use this is up to us. Touch has always been known to create emotional love. That’s why we keep our babies so close to us and why we stroke animals. You can always tell when a person hasn’t had much physical touch growing up; by the way they tense up when you hug them, or how they seem physically uncomfortable when a part of their body is touching another.
What ways can you enhance physical touch in your relationship if this is your partners primary love language? Holding hands, kisses when you greet or leave each other, hugs, touching their leg when you’re at the table, massages, are all great ways to add more touch to the relationship.
Touch is such a powerful way of communicating love. In crisis we hug each other, why? Because this is a way to express love that is recognised in all living species. It lets you know you are loved in that time when you most need it.
Not only does physical touch affect our bodies, it affects us. If someone rejects a handshake or a hug we take it as a rejection to ourselves. So, someone who’s primary love language is physical touch can see it as a rejection of love if this isn’t fulfilled by their partner.
With touch, boundaries are important. Talking this through together and expressing your boundaries is crucial — especially when it comes to sex. We don’t want to make the other feel uncomfortable.
Needless to say, touch should also never be used for physical abuse — but that’s a whole different conversation.
So now you know the main 5 Love Languages, which one are you?
Love, Light & Touch,
Em J
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